Down With Love: Sherwood ~ Alley Cat and Advice from Dan Savage

So far, this month, I've been trying to avoid love songs... Why?!? you must be thinking. Especially in February? To be different?!?

No. I feel like there is a lot of pressure this month to be "in love." I feel like there is so much pressure in this world to be "in love." And, yeah, it's pretty awesome, but it's not without its dark side.

I was listening to Dan Savage - best known for his alt-newspaper column, Savage Love (if you're keen on liberal ideas re:sexuality, love and relationships, I highly recommend both reading his column and listening to his podcasts!) - the other day and was blown away by the best advice, as it generally happens when I listen to Dan Savage. There was a fifteen-year-young caller asking for advice on finding a boyfriend in his homophobic town. Dan's advice was very encouraging for this young man, which is not surprising coming from a founder of the "It Gets Better" campaign. The highlight, in my opinion, was not to worry about getting his fifteen-year-old self laid as much as he should worry about getting his twenty-yer-old self laid. Most people, a young Dan included, feel at some point that all of their problems will be solved if only they had a boyfriend/girlfriend/somebody to spend the rest of their life with. Once they find that person, though, maybe one problem is solved, but so many more problems have been created...

(Click on the title of this post to be taken directly to Dan Savage's website - and LISTEN to all his old podcasts; and READ all his old columns. This man is a hero of mine!)

This song captures that desire - the misled notion of finding peace in a relationship alone - in such an interesting way. For me, I see this girl he talks about as just one more of those lost souls looking for love for the mere joy of finding it. Now, I understand the fear of being alone for the rest of one's life as a serious concern, especially as our society still tries to figure out this marrying for real love rather than social protection. (As an ex-feminist, I've read extensively on society's persecution of the spinster, and the short timespan we have only recently spent marrrying for love.) But, have you ever thought about what's worse than being alone for the rest of your life?

Three years ago, around this time of year, I embraced the notion of being a spinster for the rest of my life. I had never been in love at that time, but I had wanted to fall in love for so long that I was just sick of constantly feeling like I was missing something. How great would my life be, though, if I was never in a serious relationship? If I was a spinster for the rest of my life, would I be any less of a fabulous individual? No. I'd be awesome. I'd be the fun auntie who spoils her nieces and nephews because she never had her own children to discipline. I'd go on holidays WHEREVER I wanted to go. I could move to a new place whenever I got sick of something. Basically, I could plan my entire future without thinking about what somebody else wanted for their future, too. Perhaps, these thoughts were selfish, but they were also amazing for my self esteem. I realized how fabulous my life could be if I had it to myself, rather than wasting my time looking for somebody to share with it.

Now, it'd be a shame to not tell you that within a month of making this decision about my life, I met somebody and had a taste of love. It was a lot of fun; I enjoyed the excitement of it all; and I'd love to tell you that when it ended, I picked up exactly where I had left off with my pledge to spinsterhood...but, we all have to struggle with something. And I don't know that I'm ready to give up on love just yet. I don't want it to be the focus of my life, but sometimes it is the necessary distraction to get through the other junk going on in your life...and one day, maybe magic will happen and I'll find somebody lucky enough to keep in my life for the rest of my life, or at least want to try to keep them in my life for the rest of my life. Until then, I'll just worry about being the best me...